i awoke to the following 3 issues
1. i had a parking ticket (after making fun of my roomate last night for getting $600 worth of parking tickets...how could you be that dumb?)
2. blow wouldn't let me start my car
3. a loaf of bread in my purse
so i thought i was in essence giving my liver a tune-up and it was going to be like a fresh teenage liver again but the detox backfired! i merely consumed 5 drinks last night (4 of which were beer) and went to bed by midnight. i tried to start my car at 9am and blew a .20. seriously? wtf? i decided to then walk around and finish up some stuff i had to do anyways and tried again 2 hours later and i blew a .12. i am now stranded and could not leave til 1:45pm. 13 hours to sober up should be plenty. i was beginning to think blow was malfunctioning but, apparently i WAS that drunk. i'm assuming that while i was getting drunk last night my liver was either taking a nap or on a cigarette break and forgot to start breaking down the booze. anyways all i have to say is...i need someone who can blow and drive a stick.
The Brown Note
poopswans - noun pl. def. any of several large, aquatic birds. not to be confused with shitgoose but, are often mistaken for salmon, though an entirely different species, due to the inability to swim downstream. comprised of several yokels orginally based in sunny santa barbara, they carouse annually and flock together from edward forty-hands to coachella (F26) and vegas to whistle-tip party bus. they are easily spotted at these events because of their mating chants that they perform as well as their drunken waddle. experts have speculated that this waddle may be caused by an illness of the inner ear although the exact cause of this illness is still unclear while others point to gelatonous treats that these birds consume in large amounts that they recieve by someone only known as "cuervo."
these birds are typical UCSB graduates in that they have a insatiable appetite for fine spirits and good times that they may not always remember in its entirety. the end result of these nights of drunkeness is a morning full of tater tots and MTV, particularly Laguna Beach and sucka-free videos.
lastly, if one partakes in any activity fit for a six year-old (i.e. rollerskating, riding on buses, sloshball, slip-slides, kickball, imaginary twister, duck..duck..goose) all while being extremely intoxicated...you might be a poopswan.
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